World behind my wall

They’re telling me it’s beautiful.
I believe them, but will I ever know
the world behind my wall.
The sun will shine like never before.
One day I will be ready to go,
see the world behind my wall.
I’m ready to fall.
I’m ready to crawl on my kness to know it all.
I’m ready to heal.
I’m ready to feel.
Take me there!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlLkscjDWsA&ob=av3e


I'm awaiting the point of getting to be willing to fall and crawl, of wanting to heal and to feel, but I'm not quite there yet. I hope one day I'll be ready to go and see the world outside my wall.


I've gotten stuck in a rut. With it being my husband that does the driving in our house and him having to recover from his operation and his infection, I havnt been out in the car properly for months now. Im so tired of it getting to the point where he has to force himself to go out through his pain to get bits that we need and run errands that I can't do beucase I'm held in place by my panic and anxiety.

For my daughter and my husbands sake if not my own, I need to start going out and doing things. I need to be independant and take control of myself and my life like I've managed in the past. Maybe its the meds making me want to make the change but what ever it is i know thats what we need. I need my independance and freedom, Angel needs a proper mum and T needs a proper wife.

Problem is... I dont know how to make the change, I dont know what first step to take or how. I feel like I'm on my own with this. I feel like I have to push myself or I wont achieve it and I guess im right. There's only so much T can do to encourage me and I'm not a child despite how I act sometimes. Maybe its fear that stops me from pushing the boundaries, fear of being ill in public, fear of embarrassment, fear of poeple hating me, fear of dissapointing and letting people down and fear of the unknown as well as dependancy on lorazapam which I'll need to push myself to do more. Is it all worth it? Is it worth taking more meds to get out, get Angel out and do the things that need doing? If in the future it will all be stolen away from me again and I react by dropping lower than before and potentially taking my own life.

The other problem or excuse holding me back, is tiredness. I'm tired of trying and never getting anywhere, I'm tired of being positive and being torn back down to a suicidal level, especially by the tiny mundane things that more people consider normal. I want my life, and I want to give my daughter and husband the life they deserve.

I ordered a book to help with anxiety and phobais this week and I'm hoping it will arrive soon and perhaps start work in it. Of course I still havnt finished my PTSD one which was helping a lot. I know I should but the time is always shooting by. Perhaps the bigger question is am I not trying hard enough? Do I not get better because I'm too lazy and I dont try hard enough for the life I want?