Yesterday my goal was to take Angel out to a park with T to have a run around via a shop to get some picnic food. We parked up outside boots and went in to but some sandwiches and snacks. That was a win, what was a bigger win was walking a fair dinstance away from the car to look around a shoe shop with Angel. We then drove across to the memorial park and got everything ready. Unfortinately in the time it took to get there and get out of the car the weather had turned cold,. the wind had picked up and the sun had gone in. Angel had a run around on the grass/mud in her wellies but my hip was causing me a lot of pain and I was freezing so in the end we decided to go home where I had the idea of having our picnic on a blanket outside our house in the sun.
Today (Sunday) we had no idea what we were going to do when we got up and I was in a rotten mood, I spent the whole time Angel and T were eating their breakfast doing housework out of the way as I just felt anisocial and angry. I tried to find the thing that triggered me but I just coudlnt work it out, unless it was something from one of my dreams.
After talking about things that we need to get we decided the best place to go would be the town centre. I took half a lorazapam but didnt feel I was ready to face that big one yet. I agreed to go in the car and if I still felt the same when we got there, I'd sit in the car and knit or write or something. We packed everything we coud possibly need then got in and drove to the car park. The parking space wasnt very near the entrance to the town but near enough today it seemed, I had a walk round the carpark to look at escape routes etc By the time I got back to the car the pram was up, Angel was installed and we were ready to go. I still wasnt at all convinced and tensed right up in fear of a panic attack. We started with a slow walk around, past shops, looking in the windows and chatting then we stopped and I had a choice to make, go further away from the car and look in my favourite shops or keep nearby the carpark and not go far. I stood for a few moments biting my lip (new habit) and going through the scenarios in my mind....
...I decided to dare it and go the long way round where its buisier. The sun was out and it helps calm me more and I was bridging using it's warmth on my skin to concentrate on. We went into a few shops all in a row the furthest point away from the car. I was fine and even had Angel on my own for a while too.
The biggest challenge was yet to come though. In the shape of a 3 story building with our destination being the top floor where the children's clothes are. I wasnt sure I'd be able to face it, i went in a took it a minute at a time at first the jumped in, split up from T and went to the middle to choose clothes for me, then top to help with Angel clothes then back to middle again then downstairs to try some things on and pay. Not 1 panic attack and that shop is a major killer for me usually, especually trying on clothes. I then left T to pay while I walked across the precinct to Greggs to buy us all some food (alone with full responsibility for my child facing a food situation). I did it and I managed to eat something as well as feed Angel. Then I got Angel out of the pram and held her hand as we walked through the buisier town and back to the car via the coffee shop to get some take-away coffee. I've not felt as happy and confident as I felt today in a long time. Overall this week hasnt been too bad at all, in fact compared to how things have been recently I've excelled. That in itsself terrifies and encourages me.
Tomorrow is back to a T work day, so not being able to go out in the car. I'll have to have a think about what goal to set me to do during the day while I'm looking after Angel.
It all looks very positive until I think well, I was on lorazapam and I'm on flouxidine now which is helping, so it's not really me doing it. Not all of it. :S
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