One Win

Yesterday I didnt get a chance to write my blog and I'd have liked to have written how I felt at the time. But here goes.

I got up and decided to go out with T and Angel just to get a few things. I took 1/4 of a lorazapam but that was all then after a tiny worry about going we arrived (its only 10 mins by car) at the retail park. We brought the things we needed to get and then went a looked around another shop that sells craft things, I treated myself to some wool and some new pens and knitting needles that I've wanted for a while. Usually when we go out I have to hold the car keys and I'm constantly thinkning about how to get out and get back to the car. Yesterday I didnt even think of the keys and I walked a distance from the car to buy food with Angel and T. It was overall a win. I've not been out and felt so normal for a long time, especially considering I still had heartburn from my tablets which was pressing my emetophoba buttons.

In the evening I stumbled upon the recorded conversation I have of one of the last times we spoke with my mum on one of my memory sticks. I knew I probably shouldnt but I plugged my earphones in and listened. She told a lot of truth about how Angel deserves better from me, she deserves to go out and I dont try hard enough to get myself out and do things. I don't push myself. But that was the only thing she said I could agree with. She was selfish, offensive, and abusive and her and her boyfriend left me so bruised I couldnt even pick up my daughter for nearly a week afterwards.
One of the things that hurt the most about it was her and my sister saying that they dont believe there's anything really wrong with me, I make it all up. I believe that mum believes it but my little sister? The truth comes out in argments.
Overall the recording didnt affect me anywhere near as much as I thought it would and it has confirmed to me that severing contact wth her 10 months ago was the best thing for my little family and for me.

The last thing I wanted to write about is what happened after I was wrongly diagnosed just over  years ago and I was sent somewhere that was very difficult to deal with. I think that story is an entry for another time, maybe later. I dont want to go into it now before I'm supposed to be going out.

Hopefully today's journey out will be as successful as yesterdays.