On the up, waiting for the down

What goes up has to come back down...right?

I think I'm finally ready, I'm ready to see the world outside my wall.

I feel happy, not depressed or angry or panicky, just simply happy, content. One reason for that is in the room down the hallway in the shape of my husband and the other I can see beside me on the baby moniter, sleeping soundly in her cot.

I should be a nervous wreck, I should be unable to eat and shaking continously, but im not. I'm sitting here wanting to share how I feel and feeling confused at myself. Antother one of my teeth broke today, meaning I need to have more urgent dental work done as soon as possible, if not tomorrow then Wednesday morning if its possible, but no more than a week ahead. A part of me inside, buiried somewhere very very deep and untouchable at the moment is screaming and wimpering in the dark, terrified of the dentist and the coming experience, almost causing me to have a panic attack and go mad once or twice but which i'm battling with costantly to keep tamped down and out of the way. It's like that inner person naturally reacts with panic, anxiety, and depression. Whereas this new outside part doesnt and it's teaching the new part not to worry so much, but its what it does, naturally and without thinking about it. I'm not even convinced that natual reaction for me will ever go completely. It's been who I am for the majority of my life.

I keep asking myself, If im going up, I have to come down again, everything that goes up comes down. Unless it goes up high enough to escape the force of gravity.

Apart from the dentist issues today I took Angel to the postbox and to the shop. We didnt go very far, with my anxiety levels already on higher than normal I didnt want to push things too hard and ruin the upwards trend as well as the fact that Angel was in a very bad mood today (A major one off for her, she's usually so good). But I did push, I did put myself outside my comfort zone and reach my goal, extra with the shop too.

I'm falling asleep as I type, just from a tiring day looking after a grumpy toddler and battling my inner worrier.  

Hoping I've escaped gravity.