Downfall

~~If you come across this blog and you're triggered by self-harm or suicidal thoughts, this could be triggering to you~~

Today started fine, well even. Usuall I'd panic about being left on my own with Angel but today I didn't, today I got her up, got her fed and dressed (which is usually a joint effort) then we did some housework together, chatting the whole time. Her language is coming on leaps and bounds and she's impresing me and turning me to goo everyday. I decided to get her easel out for her to play with, which includes a magnetic white board with pens and magnetic letters and a chalk board on the other side. We both enjoyed playing together, including her reciting the letters to me as I pointed them out to her.

Then the dentist called... Just hearing his voice on the phone and knowing he's calling from that place had me there in my mind and panicking. He agreed to sort out my prescription which was fine, then I asked about my tooth and the work that needs doing to fix it. He told me that when it breaks again I'll need to go and be put under sedation to have it numbed and rootfilled. Just going to the dentist for routine work or a visit for someone else is extremely stressful and panic inducing but to go for that kinda of work terrifies me even more. I felt my good mood drop away and the world felt like it fell around me, my stomach dropping from my body and the panic started.

I tried to keep upbeat for Angel, managed it and then we had a visiter so I was forced to behave normally and pretend all is well. I knew that when Angel went for her nap, especially if she fell asleep, it would be risky because i have the brand new blades. I thankfully was too busy getting her settled in her cot that I forgot to dig one out and then I got talking to a friend and decided against it for now. Part of me hopes T stays in the room with me tonight when Angel goes to bed but part of me wants him to go to sleep early so I can be alone.

I don't feel like I can keep doing this, I don't remember a time when I didnt have these problems. I remember a time when they werent as bad and when I worked, got public transport and went to town alone. I remember eating better, going on holiday and travelling and even getting ill and it not killing me. I faced years of mental abuse at home, millions of panic attacks but thats all I feel there is. Fight after fight, battles with invisible foes you can't win against. I don't believe they ever will go. I don't believe i can get 'better'. I believe i can do a little better than now but I don't believe i'll be free.

I feel like the wonderful weekend I was given was a gift or an omen of the oncoming end. After reading some of the new self-help book i got the other day I realise why my mum made me how she made me, and i realise I'm likely to do the same to Ari which is an even bigger argument for me not to be around. Strange, i was only looking at the scars on my wrist the other day and thinkning soon there'll be more.

Today I had the most disturbing thought in ascoiation with suicide, and I don't even feel happy enough to write it here, its sickening that I had it in the first place. I've also started looking for somewhere I can write a will.

One of the most depressing entries so far.