Manic and depressive

I'm not a manic depressive or bipoloar as far as I know, although i do have suspected cyclothymia. I've never experienced much manic phase before, just the irritabilty, positive and depressed.

But for the past week I've been happy, really happy, and energetic and bouncy and I felt reckless and almost indestructable. It was a wonderfull feeling if a little unnerving at times. Yes it was most likely mania but throughout the episode - which i havnt expericed that bad before - I kept wondering if the tablets are working and that they're diminishing the depressiona and I'm behaving like I would be without it, that I could be a happy bubbly energetic fun person. Now the world is falling beucase I'm snapping right back. No not snapping, I'm falling and falling fast.
Whereas in the last week my worst worry was going a bit bizzare and spending too much money (very out of character for me) now I'm thinking self harm again. I havnt even considered self harm for the past week. I feel so angry at myself for thinkning I could be that person, that carefree and inhibited and I want to hurt myself just for thinking i deserve to be happy and free. I was taught that I'm bad and I brought this on me myself and maybe over the years I've been forgettting my lessons.

Now I'm just feeling tired and worn down, like the meds arent doing anything at all. I e-mailed the doctor yesterday when I was worried about the manic phase but he still hasnt got back to me, what a surpise, i should know better than to trust health professionals.

I'll keep my attention focussed on my work and on my daughter and hopefully some positivty will return before this gets much worse and I make an excuse to find some time alone to hurt myself.