Starting writing is always the hardest part for me. I've been wanting to find somewhere where I can just splurge my thoughts and feelings down without it hurting or upsetting anyone. Thoughts especially about my mum and about myself.
A brief history of my 'issues' is probably needed here for me to make a little more sense to anyone who might stumble across my thoughts. I'm 23 years old, I've suffered with OCD and panic attacks from as young as I can remember (about 3 or 4). I have depresion, PTSD from various things, emetophobia and dentophobia as well as suspected cyclothymia.
Over time I suspect I'll be filling up the spaces about the things that have happened to me and contributed to the way I am. But for now, I'll start from now.
I went onto meds (flouxidine) nearly two weeks ago now. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. 3 years ago the mental health services let me down big time, wrongly diagnosing me and sending me somewhere that has scarred me for life -a story for another time - back then I nursed myself back to health, I came off my meds and I did it myself. From the point of being too weak to get up the stairs to be and sleeping on the floor in the living room to healthy and pregnant within half a year, all with only the help of my husband. I've managed to stay away from the mental health NHS rubbish since then, even after I gave birth to my daughter and got PTSD from the experience, even when I finally admitted to myself that my mum mentally abused me more than on a daily basis throughout my childhood. But now, I'm back on meds and I'm waiting for a CPN nurse for councelling. I had a horrific first week of side affects that pressed major buttons with my emetophobia. I think the hardest thing is that I feel I've let myself down, I know I need meds and I'm relying on them to help bring me up, beucase im not strong enough to do it myself anymore.
I felt like I was going to write a whole lot more tonight, but I just feel drained, mentally I'm waiting for the next bout of depression, thinking will this time be the time that will end it all? Thinking if i dont leave soon, i wont be able to because Angel (I've renamed my daughter to protect her) will remember me and blame herself. I can't help but feel annoyed sometimes that my daugther and my husband have given me a reason to live when I dont think I ever really did want to. I didnt intend to see my 17th birthday and now im on my 23rd. I'm physically waiting for the next time i get ill or the next time I have a tooth break or a filling give. Knowing it could be any one of the above that pushes me too far. Like im on a tightrope. In some ways I welcome the depression, it feels like its safe and I hurt less there. If I'm already hurting I cant be hurt very much more.
A little bit of a downer to begin with.
No comments:
Post a Comment