Someone new for the day

Last night was horrendous. Angel was awake from 3 and that meant I was too, forcing myself to stay awake through the effects of the meds. I was crying from tiredness and frustration and in the end at 6 I put Angel in bed with me and I entered into a state of being awake and being unable to even open my eyes or speak. I'm dreading going to bed tonight, dreading it will be the same but I know I need to get an early night. 

First though I think it's important to get this written down, how my day went in the end today, so here goes:

I got up and had a breakfast that I wouldn't consider safe to go out on in the amounts I had, even though I wanted to get out I knew I wasn't in the right state of mind for it so didn't bother to limit myself. I was feeling very panicky by the end of breakfast and I kept the curtains closed again, expecting today to be a hide away day again. 

K came over and I let her and cousin E in. E and Angel played together while K and I chatted and she gently encouraged me to try going out in the car with her, just to her house. She then went out with grandad R and left me here to think about it. I ended up getting some jobs done including getting mine and Angel's bags and coats ready for going out. I had some aconite and I had half a lorazapam. I'm not sure if I only had half because I didn't believe I could really do it, or whether I knew I could, but when K came back I got me and Angel into the car with her and we drove through town to K's house where I have only been once before about 4 or 5 years ago. I was afraid but I felt safeish with K and I went into the house and played with E and Angel while K made lunch for us all. I only ate half a batch and a packet of crisps but I ate, not only out but out at someone's house knowing I could only get back to my safe space in her car again. 

Angel and E played for a while after and K and I chatted some more, I felt welcome and okay with her. She then suggested us going out and I liked the idea, I was scared but I wanted to get out. We decided to take the car into town to have a look around a few shops. I felt okay if a little cold even on the drive over. I ended up buying Angel a new double pushchair from a toyshop and a few other bits and bobs including treating myself to come chocolate. We walked away from the car, went into shops, even ones where there were no toilets nearby at all. We didn't start driving home until it was getting dark and then instead of hiding over in our house I stayed in the parent's house and I decided to help Nanny J out with making dinner and tidying round and even shouting at all the kids when they weren't listening to their Nanny. It shocked everyone including me, but I guess I may have come out of my shell a little. 

I also took Angel to the toilet upstairs, the one that I was very very ill in a few years ago and although I'm terrified the room is bad luck and I'm going to get ill not from germs but just because I unleashed it, I was okay, even looking at that sink. 

Before making dinner Nanny J asked if I wanted food making too and I shocked her and me by saying yes please. I had fish in sauce with boiled potatoes and even a spoonful of bright green mushy peas. I didn't just let her cook mine and Angel's food but I decided to sit at the table with everyone to eat, and I ate it all. 

My bag of safe things wasn't even in the main house, i'd left it here at ours but I did that, all of it. 

Travelling in someone elses car, eating at other people's houses, going to town in the afternoon, going out for the whole day! This isn't me, I guess it was nice to have a normal day for once. 

I would never in a hundred years dreamed that I would be able to do any of the things I did today, I'm just grateful that I have gotten to experience something so special.