The goal was to go over to my dad's to visit him. We got up later than we intended to and all got ready as quickly as we could. My dad then text me at a few minutes to ten to ask if we were still going over otherwise he was going to go out for a bike ride. Although I text back less than a few moments later, when we got to his house he wasn't there. I had suspected when I'd tried to ring him that he wasn't going to be in as his phone was off which he only does at night or if he is on his pushbike or running. I still swallowed my fear and got in the car for a twenty minute drive over there. It turned out to be not to bad a drive and Angel watched Peppa Pig on the portable DVD player in the back of the car and sipped her drink. I was a bit annoyed that he'd gone out when we'd planned to go over but T suggested we make the most of going out and pop over to my grand parents house where we haven't been in years. (Because of how anxious I've been I have been unable to go to peoples houses at all, going into peoples homes is a big challenge for me).
I wasn't so sure we we got there and my anxiety mostly disappeared as I watched Angel running around her great-grandma's garden saying "wow!" and "oooooh!" at the flowers and plants. My grandparents were thrilled to see us and and were very very good with Angel and allowed her the freedom to look around happily, encouraged her exploration even which made me feel a lot more relaxed too. I had half a lorazapam but it was a difficult challenge for me and I am happy with the outcome.
Today (Monday) T didn't have to go to work because he's on stand-down due to some incidents kicking off and potentially the need to work nights. I asked him where he wanted to go, if he wanted to go out at all and he came up the Dobbie's World, which is basically a huge shop with lots of smaller sections inside, selling food, lots of gardening things and plants and furniture, sweets and chocolate, garden ornaments, and best of all toys and animals. There is also a large cafe area too.
It is half an hour or more away from home in the car and every single time we have been, whether I've been on lorazapam or not I have had to leave and have been very panicky throughout.
Today we got ready and went out in the car. I took Angel into the shop while T put the DVD player away and grabbed Angel's bag. We looked at the flowers outside and I decided that if I did okay inside then I would treat Angel and myself to some plants for the garden. We went inside and I was a little anxious but I concentrated on little things like Angel sitting on the huge garden seats where she looked lost and trying out the seats myself, not to buy them but for the different feels and textures to them. We then moved onto wind chimes, Angel found a wind chime in her great-grandmas garden yesterday which she totally fell in love with. We stood for ages looking at all the ones they had there, all the different types and different sounds they made before choosing a beautiful black one with a blue glass painted heart and a dangly green glass painted butterfly. We then went to look at the toys and things and T and I found a little windmill for Angel (she loved the big ones that her great-granddad had yesterday in the garden so we got a little one for our garden.
We then moved outside and looked at all the flowers and plants and I was still feeling a little anxious, but not anxious enough to need to twang my elastic bands. I kept sipping my drink and concentrated on the little things, the different colors of the flowers. Then we spotted some hens and Angel and I were completely fascinated. They were great clucking away. Angel had a little play in the park then we went back inside to the furthest point from the getting out door and from the toilets too. But I just forced the relaxation and enjoyed looking at the rabbits, chicks, guinea-pigs, various birds and gerbils and fish with Angel and T. From there we went to look around the food part then to the cafe. I was most nervous about the cafe and I would say that when T went off to get his food and I went off with Angel to pay for her food and get her started on it alone I got most anxious, but still, no self-harm to control the fear and no twanging the elastic bands. I then took Angel off on my own to get her nappy changed then returned and ate some chips and ham and even finished Angel's yogurt.
The hardest part about lunch was that my tooth pain came on again as I ate. I went off on my own to grab a trolley and some flowers from outside, already pleased with how well I was doing and distracted myself from the pain until T and Angel were ready to go and help me find some sweet peas also for the garden. I want to make a little safe haven out there for me and Angel to play during the day and for me and T to relax in with the chiminea on at night. We then went to pay and drove home, I ate 3 large cookies on the way home, one of which is my new favorite thing, a rocky road cookie!! Mmmmm rocky road.
In the past i have always been to afraid to eat too much chocolate because of watching my sister being ill after it so many times, as well as being very weird about anything other than neutral colors. But I even ate pizza the other day, with red tomato sauce, herbs and sweetcorn and I didn't really think much of it. The freedom to eat what I like a little more is amazing. I will never ever stop appreciating the small things I can now do that I never used to be able to. It's like my birthday everyday just being able to go outside with Angel, just to hold T's hand without feeling confined and panicky. To be able to sleep upstairs with T and not panic as much, to be able to talk to people in the street and walk away from the house without scratching my arms to bits and snapping loads of elastic bands in my desperate twanging.
One more thing I'd like to add at the end of the journey and shopping story today.... how much lorazapam do you think I had? When I asked T on the way home he said he thought I was on half at least.
This makes me very happy. Well done! x
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