Naughty girl

I've been a naughty girl and not been blogging. I've wanted to but I've been so caught up in my latest project and up until today; my depression that I haven't made time and by the time I think, right blog time, its too late and I'm half asleep. 

I managed to do what I wanted to do on Friday and take Angel out for the morning. After a short walk to the post box and 3/4 lorazapam I convinced myself that I would be okay to walk the over half hour walk to the shopping park to get some things for Angel. We walked up there together and I was feeling edgy but not quite panicky. When we got to the shops, my womanly urge of shopping took over and I really began enjoying myself. We got what we needed and what we didn't and we all had fun. I was in a good mood and was happy. When we stopped at K's house to drop them off and pick up the hoodie I left there, I realised that I had lost my HIM hoodie that I'd been wearing and had to take on and off several times during the morning. I was starting to feel upset about it but tried to convince myself that I'd put it into one of the bags hanging on the stroller, even though I knew I hadn't. We got home and while Angel finished hers and my lunch I looked through the bags but couldn't find my beloved hoodie. Over the afternoon, I cried lots about it, as stupid as it sounds, I hadn't realised what a big comfort it was to me and it was so upsetting that it was gone. I'd eaten too much to allow myself to be able to go back out and look for it and I was heartbroken. Angel didn't want a sleep so I set about starting to strip the woodchip off the hall walls, just for something to do. Angel helped me and played and then when it got to about three I decided that we would go out the front and play in the nice weather. When we got outside I decided to go and have a look see if I could see my hoodie down the road the way we had come home, in case I'd dropped it on the way back from K's. I couldn't see it and despite having eaten and not having any safety like a drink or snacks or meds, I kept walking. Kept going with Angel, just watching ahead and trying to spot it. Every time I thought I'll just look that far, I kept going and the panic stayed away, it was like I was possessed, and it was so warm that I was glad that Angel brought a drink with her. I kept going all the way to the canal and where I had taken a call from T so had been distracted, it was in the gutter. I almost ran to it and cried like a baby. I know that if it hadn't have been there then I probably would have kept going. I carried it home and then popped it into the wash once I'd finished holding it and crying. I can't wait for it to be dry so I can fix the sleeve and have it back again. 


That evening I was in a good mood until T was late home because he was helping people at work that he didn't 'need' to help, instead of coming home for the set dinner time we have. It felt like those people come first and I was triggered. I decided that I didn't want to do date night and T was tired and not in such a good mood anyway. I took myself into the bathroom with my hair dye, to dip dye my hair, my bath bomb and my face mask. I didn't think I would get through the bath without using my hidden blade and I was right. I on't go into detail because I suspect it isn't good for me or my readers. In the end we went to bed early and talked for a while before sleep. 

Saturday morning, I was hoping to be in a better mood, especially after talking and the harming too. However mother nature struck which meant I was in a lot of pain, and felt more ugly than usual, so T took Angel shopping and I stayed home and managed to get some of my writing done. I was in a crappy mood by the time we got to the afternoon and I can't even remember why now, all I know is that I ended up using a blade yet again, barely a scratch this time even though I wanted to do much more. 


My sister came round in the evening as she was sleeping over and I ended up having to try and force myself to get out of my crappy mood for all of our sakes. I felt more like arguing than being nice but cuddles with Angel then when she'd gone to bed; a movie night with my drawing my heart out for my project was exactly what I needed. I had a very late night too which was nice for a change. 

This morning we all ended up getting up and ready veeeerrryyyy sllooooowly and by the time we went out, it was gone eleven and we needed to be back for twelve for lunch because we had set a roast off cooking. We went to a nearby HUGE craft store and I brought some more pens for my drawing, some stamps and a bargin buy of HUNDREDS OF BUTTONS!!!! .... I like buttons. I took my confidence a step further and took no meds to go out on, which is a huge thing for me travelling with someone else in the car with us, especially my sister. That's like a big no no in the rules of me. I also wore a dress which takes a lot of confidence for me too. I was okay, I looked around, stayed relaxed and got exactly what I wanted. I felt a little panicky on the way home, but I knew that a large part of that was hunger. 


The roast lunch was an interesting experience, I set the dining table up for us all to sit around and we started eating. I wolfed my food down because apparently I'd been starved all morning (I hadn't but my tummy thought I had), Angel ate okay and is definitely a girl after my own heart, she looves Yorkshire puddings. T ate normally but P had a panic attack and had to go outside and calm down. I gave her some aconite and her phone and a drink of cold water and she recovered a while after. I have to admit it felt very weird for it to be P having the panic and not me! I felt guilty that it was her, like it was my fault because I was okay. 


T wasn't feeling great this afternoon so P and I took Angel outside to play with her friend and then P and Angel played in Angel's den while I did the housework so T wouldn't have to even think about doing it. I made dinner and then we played before Angel went to bed. I've spent this evening working on my project again and I'm ashamed to say that if I hadn't been so wrapped up in my work and forgotten to take my meds until late then I wouldn't have insomnia and I wouldn't be writing this probably. 


I'm thinking that I may have come out of the depressive phase now and I'm entering the manic phase even though it is numbed by the meds somewhat. Hopefully this week will be a better one.