A great Saturday morning

This morning we were thinking of doing something that would be quite challenging to me, but we decided in the end that we would do something less difficult so I wouldn't have to take any lorazapam seeing as I took over a whole one yesterday.

We got ready and we decided to go to a local retail park.. again but this time to get some decorations for Angel's birthday this time next week and price up decorating things.

I didn't take any loraz although I did feel like I needed it, I almost talked myself out of going out, especially after the horrid emeto nightmares I had all night long. In the end I decided that I would at least get in the car and from there I went up to the retail park then got out of the car and it was so quiet and I got so absorbed in having a great time with my family that I didn't panic. I just relished every moment and made the most of every single one. We spotted a variety of things we needed and things we liked and I went off on my own with Angel, fed her some snack, looked after her and felt fine about it. Something I never thought I would feel again.

We went in quite a few shops, some of which I went into on my own with Angel. We all had a good time then run out of places to go, so after Angel had been telling me she wanted to go see 'wack wacks', I suggested to T that we go to the park. He agreed but his knees were hurting far to much to drop the car home and walk like I'd suggested so we parked right by the park so he could make the most of walking around it with us. Angel was enamored with the ducks and geese and the baby coots but she was also very keen on the idea of playing in the as she calls it thanks to Peppa Pig, 'the playground'. When we told her she could she squealed and ran through the gate and jumped onto the seesaw telling me to get on the other end. I gave my bag to T and threw myself full force into playing on every part of the play area, even the parts I didn't fit on really, I made myself fit and Angel was thrilled to bits that I was joining in. I went on the climbing frame, the see saws, the slides, obstacle course, rocking animals (which I didn't fit on but made myself fit) and the swings. Usually I hate the swings, despite having one as a child and loving it to bits and never being off it. I am terrified of the feeling of the motion, the abandonment it takes to go so high you almost go over. But today, I went on and I went for it, giggling at every moment until I actually thought I was going to go over the top the I slowed down and ran off to play something else. There was a point following Angel at her request down a tunnel that I didn't think I was going to make it half way down, I thought I was going to get stuck, thankfully the surface was wet from the rain and I managed to keep going, but I was giggling my head off at almost getting stuck and not panicking about it.

When it was time to go, I bribed Angel off the play things with a lolly pop and I decided that I would walk home with her while T took the car home and got started on lunch. I think he was surprised that I wanted to go it alone but I wanted to let Angel see the diggers that we would be passing on the way back, I wanted some mummy Angel time when I wasn't scared and although my anxiety levels shot through the roof, I did it.

In the afternoon the day went downhill a bit, I became very irritable and sensitive and strangely over tired. I guess it was the nightmares catching up with me. I just didn't feel like doing anything but felt like I needed to keep doing things. The afternoon dragged but finally Angel is asleep in bed, I'm wrapped up in my brand new fluffy purple blanket and I'm about to start my writing.