Hiding inside

Today has been a slow day I ended up staying up until two In the morning, I couldnt let myself go to sleep because I was having a nasty panic attack, I was convinced that I was going to get ill again. After watching Pheonix playing in her cage for a while and still not feeling any better I decided I would be best to go and try to sleep downstairs. It ended up watching the little mermaid ballet on the TV and forced myself to eat some biscuits which thankfully made me feel better. 

T and Angel were also both up in the night which meant we were all very tired this morning and were all finding it hard to get up and going. I was very anxious about having Angel on my own which I never ended up having to do really, T's knees were playing him up a lot and meant it was very hard for him to concentrate on work, so he played his game and helped me keep an eye on Angel from the sofa. We ended up putting her in her cot after a while during the morning, her being awake in the night had left her very tired and she just didn't want to do anything but cry and complain. After an hour nap she was doing a bit better and I decided to give her a bath before lunch then took a leap of confidence and gave her something that is a no no food for me and that presses buttons thinking of it brought up. (more than other things because of the colour). 

After lunch she was behaving badly again, and really winding both me and T up, but I ended up coming up with a brilliant idea, I gave her a bowl of soapy water on the kitchen floor in the sun by the open door with some of her kitchen stuff in and she played washing up and making cups of soapy tea for about two hours! She was so involved that when she wanted her snack, she didn't stop, she just asked me to put the rice crisps into her mouth. I got a lot of washing up done, cleaned the kitchen surfaces and had a good tidy up. I cleaned out one of the cupboards and threw some of Angels old things out and the kitchen looks great now and although it exhausted me, I'm feeling better about it being cleaner and being able to keep it cleaner. 

I made roast gammon for dinner with boiled potatoes and yorkshire puddings, but when it came to eating it, I just didn't feel hungry, I felt more panicky and I ended up eating a little potato and a few mini yorkshire puddings but was too scared to eat much meat because of the colour and texture and how terrified I was of bringing it up. 

Now I'm sitting trying my best to get my head into my writing but still my brain won't focus and every little thing stops me from it. Maybe it is another watch the TV night and forget. 

Of course whats also playing on my mind is my teeth which desperately need to be seen and fixed but I can't even go out of the house most of the time right now, I didn't today, so how will I go to somewhere that presses on BOTH of my phobias? I'm hoping to be able to get T to talk to the dentist tomorrow and see what he suggests. 

Basically, I'm all over the place and I hurt inside all the time.