I'm alive, I fought another war and won

I'm still alive, after my appointment at the dentist. 

At about 9 in the morning we dropped Angel off at K's house and drove to the dentist, I was definitely under the influence of the lorazapam by then and driving around the blog to wait for a space didn't bother me. 

We managed to get a very good parking space nearest to the building which made me feel a little more comfy, well as comfy as you can feel when you're facing a phobia. We sat on the landing upstairs and talked and I made myself sit in the floor so I would't bolt down the stairs and out the door. I wasn't too long before we were called in but long enough for me to have settled down a little. We went into the room and my lovely dentist smiled at me and asked if I was okay, I told him "no, not really," which is what I tell him every time I go see him. I sat down in the chair and at my request T came to hold my hand to support me, (I used to not like anyone near me when I'm panicky, even T, I couldn't have him touching me, but over the last few months, i feel like our bond has strengthened and I can have him there, I can let him in to help me, in a way that I have NEVER let anyone else in. I felt stronger with his hand around mine and I concentrated on the feel of his fingers around mine, of his body heat and the slight movements he made. The dentist looked at my teeth and said that there were a variety of small holes that needed to be filled in and that I should go to the doctors and get a blood test for my blood sugar because it's affecting my teeth. Also that I need to cut down on sugar :( Not happy about that but I think a walk into town to go to a health food shop and get sugar free sweets might be in order. Maybe I'll make that a goal for next week, along with picking up some decorations for the house for Angel's birthday. 

Anyway back to the dentist, he said that he would do the work there and then and he wouldn't us any needles. He spent ages drilling and although I don't like it, I was okay and the only time I was close to asking him to stop was when they were spraying the water and it was catching all in my throat and making me almost gag. I knew that once he's drilled all the holes out that I couldn't just leave it and run, they needed filling otherwise they would get worse. I took a breath while he put the drill away and nodded to T that I was okay then I prepared myself and the dentist started filling in the holes. I'm not at all sure how long it took to have all the work done, but I am incredibly grateful to K for having Angel so she didn't have to see me so wound up, for T for holding my hand and seeing me at my worst and still loving me and to my wonderful dentist who I think deserves a medal for being so patient and careful with me. 

When  we got back to pick Angel up I just wanted to throw my arms around her and hold her tight, almost to confirm to her that with that bit over I can now work harder to stay here, with one obstacle down I might be able to fight back. 

We were going to go straight home but I decided that seeing as I was doped up we may as well make the most of it and go shopping, get that out of the way so that we could have a weekend to do what we want. We arrived at Sainsburys and I took Angel, got a trolley and went shopping, T went off in the car to get some air for his tires but I felt fine, better than fine, I felt normal, nothing like drugs to give a false feeling of freedom. 

I had done way over half the shopping by the time T came to find us and I would have felt happy to do the whole thing, despite the fact that I didn't know where the car (my safe space) was, they were doing up the shop so lots of builders etc around and changes to the usual set up that I'm used to, including changing where the toilets are. I don't think I even saw the people around me, I gave Angel some crisps to nibble as she was hungry and we were off. 

We had a lunch of Mc Donalds at home, to ensure that a very very tired Angel would eat before she would need a sleep and then after I'd had warm food and some drink I went all dosey as an effect of the tablets. 

After falling asleep on top of Angel's toys on the sofa twice, T sent me to bed. I slept most of the afternoon away, and so did Angel so T got some quiet time alone. 

I'm still reeling from the thought that yes I was doped up to the high heavens but I did it and I was able to have T that close to me, I was actually able to let me support me. 

A few things that I know helped me get through today are, the support of my two special friends, Lucy and K, the love for my daughter and husband and a few simple sentences that T told me last night before sleep. 
We were laying in bed, me worrying about today and feeling edgy after being alone with Angel for a while and he turned to me, held me in his arms and said;

"I'm so proud of you, you hold yourself together so well that Angel doesn't even know there is anything wrong and you only allow your feeling to show when she isn't around. You are doing exactly what a mummy should be doing to protect her child, to Angel you are a normal, wonderful mummy, she doesn't see the pain your in."  

I hadn't realized that I was doing such a good job of protecting her from the crap in my life, and for once I'm proud that I am managing to do that, that I have achieved something that I never thought I could do. 

When we came out of the dentist, T turned to me in the car and told me that he was so proud of me, that I'm so brave and wonderful and he's honored to be my husband.

With the words of my husband, my triumph today and the love of my daughter and friends, right now I'm feeling like maybe I can fight a little longer.