The lowest point

I cant remember which day I last post on here, I think it was possibly Tuesday. T came home on Tuesday night and once Angel was in bed I really fell down. I lost all the positivity in me and I was consumed with the thought that that was it. I was going to die that night. I obviously wasnt as convinced by the idea as I thought i was beucase I broke down and told T how i was feeling, he then cuddled me and told me that he would stay up all night and watch me to make sure I didnt kill myself. In the end we came to the conclusion that I would take my meds then a sedative to put me to sleep so we could all get some rest and I physically coudlnt hurt myself. In the morning after a night full of bad dreams which I couldnt escape seeing as I was under sedative.

I was a bit of a wreck in the morning, I took one diazapam and didnt feel much better so took another and still didnt feel as calm as I needed to be but by the time we all got ready and were standing on the stair case in the dentists and a few of the nurses and receptionists had checked I was okay I was beginning to feel some effect and calmed down a little. I went into the room and let the dentist check my teeth to see what work needed doing then I sighned the papers and T took my hand while Angel was in the sling on him. The dentist inserted the needle and it hurt like hell but I stayed calm. Very calm considering I was in my major phobia situation. UNfortinately my vein collapsed on the needle and he had to remove it again. He put it in a seccond time and it hurt a hell of a lot more and I actually screamed out. The pain then triggered my run reflex. Everywhere went dark and flashing lights, sounds got far away and a rushing sound was in my ears. I felt hot and sweaty and I coudlnt breathe and I felt nauseaus and I kept thinking what if im sick? I cant be sick, i cant make a mess. I couldnt work out if it was the meds being pout into me that was making me feel like it or whwther I was passing out. I kept asking but I didnnt know if i was making any sense.  I pulled awya and he removed the needle because the vein collapsed again. I was panicjing and trying to get away when he went to put it in a third time. I screamed and begged for him to stop but they all kept saying it would be okay, i would be okay, but i wasnt okay. I was scared and I felt so ill. I dug my nails into my wrists and truied to focus but i couldnt and i got out of the chair after i had convinced people I needed to go, which took some doing in my panic state. I rushed outside, struggling with the door the collapsed agianst T, unable to breath and choking on fear. We got me to the car and I went totally numb, completely convinced that i needed to die beucase I coudlnt go back to the dentist to try again after that experience.

Once we arrived home I left Angel with T and went straight to our room where I collpased on the bed and cried and cried. Then I remebered that there was a knife in my drawer by the bed. I started cutting my wrist, one slice after another, revelling in the pain and enjoying every minute while my heart felt like it was being torn apart. I could hear Angel downstairs calling "mummy? Mummy?" and I think she knew I was trying to die. I dont think i really wanted to, fortinately the knife was too blunt to do aything more than draw a little blood. That was the lowest point I've ever reached in my life, trying to end my life while the litlte life I made calls out for me. It makes me cry just thinking about it now. I can't believe how completely lost i felt.

T called the dentist and made a new appointment for Friday morning and we called the doctors and the crisis team. The doctors helped but the crisis team told us that they couldnt or wouldnt help. Once we'd put Angel to bed I broke down again and T gave me another sedative and I just slept.
The following day I had Angel on my own as T was called into work unexpectely and I managed very well all day, I help myself together great and looked after Angel brilliantly. I wasnt sure how the next day would play out but I did my very best for Angel and we had a lovely day togetehr pretending the next day would never come. T picked up some numbing gel for my hands ready for the needles for the day after and he also asked out neighbour that we trust if she would be happy to have Angel the next morning so T could concentrate on keeping me calm.

The morning came all too soon, I didnt take a sedative the night before but I slept okay from pure exaustion.
T woke me up and gave me a lorazapam and two diazpepam right away which i took although i didnt want to. We got ready and gave Angel to our neighbour. I felt comfortable that she was safe and I was beginnig to feel a little spaced. We got in the car and went, it was a little bit of a blur beucause of the drugs but we parked in a good spot. I was very calm on the staircase then the dentist came to get me. I sat down on the seat and T held my hand. I stayed calm miraculously while he put the needle in the back on my hand. I watched him inject the stuff into me but it started hurting again because my vein collpased. But he had managed to get half of the meds into me. So when I asked for a few moments to calm down and regather my calm I started to feel it working and I didnt feel the next two needle tries particularly. I remember little bits from the procedure but nothing massive and I was under th influence. I dont remember getting home but somehow I woke up in my bed warm and cosy and safe under a blanket about three hours later. My mouth was very sore and swollen and my hands hurt like hell but I was alieve and that was over.

I slept most of Friday away and today I've had very little energy and I'm still sore in my mouth and my hands, where the bruises are all coming out. Even thought I coped in the end, i know it was the drugs and I guess what I need to do now is work myself out of this depression and work at getting myself in a better place for the next for the next round of work, wheneve that might be.

I feel exhausted both mentaly and physically but I know I need to be much better after tomorrow as I have Angel all day for a few days while T works. I need to get out of this depression too, i thiught it would have lifted after the procedure but it hasnt. I'm not entirely suicidal but I'm not happy either. I'm in limbo waiting for the next mood. i'm absoluatly terrified that the teeth he fixed are fixed prperly and I'll have to go bakc to have them redone, but i hope thats just fear and the fact that they feel differnt and the gums are tender.

I'm exhausted now, so I'm going to go and get some more rest.