Put the ice-cream down.

I'm drowning my sorrows, not in drugs or alcohol but sweet sickly rocky road ice-cream with chcolate and marshmallow flavour icecream, biscuit crumbs and toffee sprinkles and covere in sticky toffee caramal sauce.

Today so far hasn't been the best of days. Last night was another restless night, T woke me up not long after I'd fallen asleep and caused a panic attack that I had to get over before I could allow myself to relax enough to sleep again, Then he woke me up headbutting me part way through the night then Angel woke us up at three in the morning. So when it was time to get up I was headachey and groggy and tempremental. Especially as I'd had dreams about my mum and seeing her and contacting her again.

I didn't feel like going out at all, or even trying to go out. I wanted to take lorazapam but not to help me go out, just to help me feel more relaxed and less anxious, so i ignored the craving and deicded to have a lazy morning in with Angel. Of course when you don't feel like doing things or you're low that is the most important time to keep at it and force yourself to go out. I failed on that, I gave in and the extent of my achievments today are going round to the shop.

I've been battling with my bad mood and my agitatedness all day, its been pushing me to snap at  and Angel and I feel so bad about it when my mood calms down again beucase Angel isnt very well and she doesnt deserve my temper when she's well let alone when she isnt well. It confirms how I'm turning in my my mum. I'm so tempted to contact her today, just so she can hurt me, shout at me and tell me who I really am. Maybe she'd even physicaly attack me again, maybe even her bf might join in again.
My mummy instncts tell me that if I start to get irritable to go outside or leave Angel with T and take a few minutes time out to calm down, but my abused brain tells me that I will be a bad mum to shirk my duties. That I'd just be being lazy.

I know I'm in a low phase, it seems as though all my ambition to go out and do things and make the most of mine and Angels time is dissapearing. I know somewhere in me I want to go out and do things but a the same time i just dont feel like I have the energy to do that and it makes me so angry, like I'm giving in.
When Angel has her sleep in the next hour I think I'm going to go out into the garden and tidy and weed the whole thing, push myself to my limits. 

I should quiet blithering on and actully be useful and get something done now.