Sunny morning, poorly Angel

Poor Angel isn't feeling very well still at the moment so instead of walking with her up to the postbox I wrapped her up and sat her in the pram with her drink and her doll and we went for a walk like that. 


I felt very unprepared and anxious and I forced myself to walk the long way around to the post box to post the letters, with the panic audio playing in my ear. I turned it off by the time we got there and decided once I'd posted the letters that although I still felt very panicked I needed to keep going, to break myself of it while I was out instead of giving in and going home where I knew the panic would go away because I knew it was panic and that's all, or at least I believed in it that it was. (for once).
I walked through the smaller park and forced myself out onto the main road which is very hard for me because its busy, When I could have turned into quieter streets again I pushed for more, for further, feeling the panic an going with it. I used bridging, looking at the people around me and memorizing what they were wearing. Angel sat very quietly and happily in the pram chattering away and sipping her drink while I worked it out with myself. We cut into a quiet street and went to the end of the road to near wear our house is but I decided to carry on as I hadn't completely got over the attack. I pushed onwards, going further than before, by the huge medical center, past the big park and the college and onto the main road back towards home, by which time i was feeling calm and I'd beaten the panic. I walked slowly back, enjoying the sun. 


We then spent the next hour sitting outside in the sun doing some drawing and some sticking. 


Angel has got to go to the doctors this evening at half past 4 so I have settled her down for her sleep early today so she will be awake by then. I'm worried because she's very quiet and withdrawn and she just wants to drink a lot, cry and hold her ears like they hurt. I don't think I'll be able to go with T and Angel because of the time of the day and having to have eaten lunch and getting dinner ready. I know she will be fine with T but I can't help but feel it is a mum's duty to go also and help. Maybe all my excuses are just that... excuses. 


After the argument I had with my sister over 2 weeks ago I decided to text her and try to get her talking to me again but she seems mostly disinterested and to be totally honest I don't want her crap dragging me back down right now. She is so much like her mother sometimes and I have neither the time nor the patience for that level of childish attention-seeking shit. All I can say is look at me, I'm doing this without you, you failed me and I don't care.