Triggers

Today has been a constant struggle, I forced myself to take Angel to the post box and to the shop to buy a large bar of chocolate for myself but that's all i managed in terms of going out and I wouldn't say I've really challenged myself all that much. 


Apart from my lack of enthusiasm and my higher anxiety levels, I felt angry, frustrated and very agitated and irritable. I ended up snapping and having an almost one sided argument with poor T and snapping a lot at Angel and T. T decided to go out to work as his computer wasn't working on the online servers from home. With him going out it meant that I HAD to force myself to look after Angel and just get on with it, because there was no one here to help. 


After all my dreams about my mum I just couldn't get her out of my mind, A little bit of white sage helped a little but she's still here with me in my mind, talking to me, telling me what a bad person I am, how i'm disgusting and only make mess, how I am selfish and an attention seeker. Making me guilty and self hating. I just can't get her out of me. I'm tainted by her and I will turn into her. I'm bad and I always have been and always will be, I cause only trouble and everyone should hate me. I don't deserve anything, least of all our house, my husband and my daughter. 


I wrote T a letter to explain how I was feeling and that it was a lot of major triggers and things in one day setting me off and thankfully we are a little better now. 


Unfortunately along with my 'mum' trigger something else has triggered me this evening, a picture I happened across that set me off. Now I can't stop shaking and the images are in my mind along with mum's voice, her words and her face.


I've reached the point where I want to take my meds so they will put me to sleep so i can't feel and not wanting to take them so i don't have to go to sleep so it wont be tomorrow too soon.


To top it all off Angel still hasn't settled to sleep, she is refusing to have her nighttime bottle for the first time in her life and I am paranoid that she has a tummy bug or something. I hope it's just me worrying because of my general state of mind but that in itself doesn't stop me worrying.